| General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice. |
Today, 02:15 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Virginia Posts: 209 | Yes, I know how that comes across. But let me give you some background?. For the past 6 months I have been dating a pretty great guy, ?SD?. I had known him for a few years professionally (customer me /service provider - him) prior to getting to know him more personally. Admittedly it started out mostly as a FWB situation as both of us had just gotten out of serious relationships. But as time went on and we spent more and more time together feelings started to develop on both our parts. We see each other 4-5 times a week and he has become one of my best friends. He surprised me at Christmas by taking a few days off of work and driving 6 hours to spend the holiday with me and my family. I will bring him and his employees lunch sometimes and I will dog/cat/house sit for him when he travels. By all accounts we are in a loving and happy relationship. But, (there is always a but?..) Even though we are not dating and/or having sex with anyone else (that I know of!) we are not officially exclusive or committed. Never had those formal discussions. But a few weeks ago this started to weigh heavily on me. My feelings for him grew and, in turn, so did my expectations for ?us?. So when he returned from seeing his daughter in another country, I decided to sit him down. I told him how I felt about him and told him that I wanted a more solid foundation. I told him I felt like I was floundering. I explained that I was emotionally ready to be in a more serious relationship; whether that was with him or with someone else. Although he had a lot of wonderful things to say about me and what we had together he couldn?t give me what I was asking for. I took a few days to think about it and made the decision to break it off. The last thing SD said to me that night was, ?For what it?s worth, I love you?. That both melted and broke my heart but I wanted more than just words. For the first week without him I was downright miserable. Not because I was lonely but because I missed him so much. The following week was better because I knew I made the right choice for me. But last weekend he had flowers delivered to my home with a lovely ?missing you? card attached. I texted him to come over that night and when he did we basically picked up where we left off?.with one exception?.. I?ve thrown my walls back up. I removed any and all expectations I had of him and for us. I am compartmentalizing my feelings. I have adopted a new attitude that if I see him, I see him. If I don?t, I don?t. I stopped doing all those little relationship things couples do. I?m reverting back to our initial FWB arrangement. But I?m still happy. I love spending time with him. The sex is great. He?s still my best friend. But in the meantime I am now very much open to meeting someone else but I don?t want to give up this wonderful relationship until I do. Is this wrong? Unhealthy? I am a pretty balanced person overall in life. I gave SD the ?right of first refusal? when it came to taking our relationship to the next level but he passed it up. But if I can keep it real and keep what we have in perspective then why not keep him until I can replace him? Because when I do meet someone else I?d be ending all contact with SD because I feel it would be disrespectful to new guy. And I should also note that the reason I can keep things in perspective now is because I found out that when his ex-girlfriend and daughter come back to the United States they are going to have to live with him for an undetermined amount of time. EXGF was deported back to her country and she took their daughter with her. But once she is able to re-enter the US he is going to support/sponsor her. If he doesn?t then she won?t come back to the United States with their daughter as she has no place to live here. So, yeah. turns out this is why he doesn?t want to move us to a new level. Or it could be complete bulls**t for all I know and EXGF isn?t really an ?ex? and I?m just a bookmark. But that?s another thread for another time! |
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Today, 02:29 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: Virginia, USA Posts: 401 | Irish, I have read your previous threads and posts so I offer the following opinion. You know your reality on the ground best but from an outside looking point of view I offer the following: You and you SO came out of serious relationships and within 6 months of that you became "friends with benefits." Usually when a woman has sex with a man she naturally expects an emotional connection and a relationship to follow. Very FEW women that I know can truly have sex without feelings. This is more of a male trait. Men, on the other hand, can become sexually involved without emotion. It sounds like this is what happened to you. Is it possible that you two are just rebound relationships for each other? Based on your SO's current situation he is going to have to be heavily invested in his ex in order to be with his daughter. Will you feel like an outsider there? What is his relationship to his ex? You hit on it in your post, is she truly an ex? Your question of whether you should stay with him until you replace him is entirely up to you based on what you want. You wanted more than "friends with benefits" and he said no. Time to reassess what you value and then decide if you want FWB until you can find someone else. I do think you are right to have your walls up. You showed yourself to him and he rejected you. That must have hurt. In the end, you know your reality better than anyone else and what is in your heart. Make the best choice for you. |
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Today, 02:38 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Kansas City Metro area Posts: 2,202 | Quote:
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Today, 03:03 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Virginia Posts: 209 | Married in VA: Yes, it's very possible we were both rebounds for each other which is why we kept the relationship casual at first. And you are right, it is difficult for women to have a FWB without eventually feeling an emotional connection. I expected that. But both of us were pretty blindsided by the fact that we got as close as we did. And no, I would not be able to accept his ex coming back and living in his home. A couple months ago he told me there was a possibility her citizenship was going to go through and she'd be back "within a few days". Even got plane tickets purchased. I broke it off. We both cried. It was very painful to say goodbye. And his relationship with his ex is friendly. It has to be. She has his daughter. Kathy: When you read what you wrote, ""Well, it's worth exactly the amount of commitment you're willing to prove", my stomach sank. Because you are absolutely right. I really cherished those words he said to me and now they seem so empty because of his actions. But I needed to hear it. As far as his daughter, he wanted to keep his daughter here in the States (she is legal) but he works so many long hours he didn't feel it was fair to his daughter to not have a parent around full time. And he has no family support. He doesn't want to be a long distance father either. He has a son from a previous marriage who was born when he was stationed in Iraq. He made many mistakes with his son and wasn't there for him. Even today his son calls him by his first name. He doesn't want to repeat those mistakes. It's just an overall sad situation. I very much desire a committed, happy and healthy relationship. Someone once said to me, "You won't find what you want until you stop accepting what you don't want". I stopped accepted the fact that SD can give me what I want so I'm keeping my options open. But you both are giving me a lot to think about. I need these outside perspectives. I am not able to see this situation for what it is sometimes. |
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